Internal Exhaustion

I’m just a person who lives.

I’m not a doctor. I don’t play one on TV either. I’m not a scientist. I’m not a researcher. I’m not a politician. I’m not an expert.

I’m not old or young.

I’m not a role. I’m not a title.

I just live here.

And because I live here, I end up thinking about things.

My latest rambling:

For many years I have read books, researched, listened to talks, and wandered through the world of anxiety and finding peace.

One idea always seems to rise to the top:

Go internal.

The answer is not out there. The answer is in here.

And maybe there is truth in that.

I do not think there is a complete answer externally either.

But I noticed something.

The more I constantly go inward, the more anxious I sometimes become.

Why?

Because internally can start to feel like a full-time surveillance job.

Suddenly every ache gets reviewed.

Every sensation gets a meeting.

Every random body feeling gets promoted to possible importance.

Even things like:

Do I suddenly need to find a bathroom?

Is that pain new?

Was that always there?

Did my breathing just change?

Internal awareness can become exhausting.

Then I noticed something else.

Sometimes the things people warn us about are the very things that seem to give me a break.

TV shows.

Electronic games.

Even bad social media.

Not because they answer anything.

Not because they heal anything.

But because for a little while, my awareness finally leaves the building.

For a few moments, I am not monitoring myself.

I am somewhere else.

Maybe external things cannot provide all the answers.

But maybe they can provide relief from constantly being asked to search for them.

And maybe relief should not be discounted.

That's it.